What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
