I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
