Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
