Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
