I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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