I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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