oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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