Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
