Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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