Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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