My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
