false alarm. still invincible.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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