I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
