If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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