I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
