You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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