I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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