Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
