I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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