I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
