69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
