You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
