He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
