Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
