Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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