He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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