I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
