I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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