You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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