genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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