It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
