He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
