Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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