Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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