I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
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