wrigley field is MILF paradise
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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