I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
