Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
All I want is dick and wine.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
