Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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