theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she peed on how many people?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
