I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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