i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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