i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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