): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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