I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
soo... how was my night?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
