just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
