I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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