I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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