OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
