just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My liver just had a heart attack.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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