no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I need moral support for this bender
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Randomize
