If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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