ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
