"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
