I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
