I faked an abortion last night.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
