I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
