i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
