I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
