the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
