how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
